There's a fine man from across the water who I know and he thinks that we need to be outrageous, that we need some anarchy right now. We shouldn't let the workplace bullies, the conformist buggers, the wet-knickered micro-managers who push the team building events get to us. We should get even. Don't sit quietly, don't mutter under your breath in frustration. Get even.Tell 'em to stuff their fun days, inspirational posters and buzzwords sideways and sharp-edged directly up their fundaments.This fellah is a business guru, a bleedin' expert in his field, he knows his stuff, he loves this book. He says that you don't have to be an a**hole in business, and I agree with him. He also sees nothing wrong with a business book which includes a little steamy sex, and, again, I agree with him.Whatever you do, man the barricades and fight to the last breath. Otherwise the besuited fools are going to win.
Excerpts from None of your Business by Philip Bryer will available right here very soon, or see the whole writhing, glorious thing at www.lulu.com/pmbryer. It's the new Little Red Book, only a bit bigger.
Keep the faith and spread the word. Your comments are welcome, I would love to hear your own stories of the waking nightmare that some insist on making the working life.
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16 comments:
None of Your Business by Philip Bryer is a great read. The twists and turns of Johnsons working life are hilarious. Having worked in 'corporate' for most of my life I can recognise every character and I have to say that I would have had to fire Johnson at the first opportunity. Cant wait for the next offering from Philip Bryer
someone very very close to me was told that he and his team would be required to step outside and partake of an hours weeding if their targets weren't met - I think we are all agreed that said chap deserves these weeds stuffed up his jacksy
In some offices you have the dreaded pregnancy chair...or the desk at which no one seems to stay very long.....we don't have a desk more of a departure lounge
None of your business is a twisted tale of corporate bell ringing. A thoroughly good read that is relevant to anyone that feels like sticking two fingers up to the corporates, without actually getting the sack!!!
A very large software company re-organised the ''Team'' and invitations were sent to the selected people. Those who were NOT invited did not have a place in the new ''Team'' and those who WERE invited were give new business cards on arrival showing their new job title. Talk about team building !
Japanese photocopier and camera company. The salesman who didnt meet his target was made to stand on a stool all day wearing a dunce hat and nobody was allowed to speak to them.
I think this particular company wanted to kill or maim its staff for life they had us walking on hot coals and laying down on broken glass. Those who stayed in the office doing real work were made to feel inadequate and not part of the elite team who had risked life and limb for the enjoyment of the head bully sales manager.
How about 'management assessment'
You travel in your company car from all over the country to stay overnight in a fabulous mansion in one of the most exclusive areas of Britain. You meet 5 colleagues and enjoy a fabulous meal paid for by the company. Tensions are eased by the management training centre bar facility and fears about the management assessment are discussed into the early hours. Waking up the next day in this rural delight with its manicured gardens a full english breakfast is served to soak up the hangover.
We are ushered in silence to our training room where 4 assessors are waiting and our first task is........the 'in-tray exercise'. The combined salary of the 9 people in that room exceeds half a million pounds and we are being assessed on how we deal with an 'in tray' ? Someone bring back the death penalty.
You know those gasps of recognition when The Office first aired? I almost had to borrow an inhaler. My old manager used to spend hours and hours compiling intricate production shedules for me to follow and then a further couple of hours the next day going through the ones I'd actually produced while I explained at length why his wouldn't have worked. At rare after hours sessions in the pub he'd regale us with tales such as the one where he'd taken his wife's best friend from behind in the kitchen at a dinner party - rare because I was regularly in the office till eight at night and he'd gone by the time I got there (once I made it to an office party straight from work as everyone else came in after last orders). Since I always had to work through lunch at my desk to get things done just to leave at that sort of time I wasn't best pleased when he banned food in the office because it "makes the office smell funny" after his regular sojourn in the pub I thought it best to leave since repairing the holes where I'd kicked the wall by the printer in frustration were getting increasingly expensive. On my last day I produced a schedule where the first letter of each job spelled out "(insert name here) is a cunt". Happy days.
Nice session at work last week with the EHS (Environment, Health and Safety) Manager, who delivered a moving presentation on the need to reduce, reuse and recycle in terms of not only business, but society in general. Then he hopped into his 4x4 as he had to get away smartly to the airport, where he was taking a short-haul flight to his place in France, where he spends most weekends.
I have worked as an office temp for many years. And belive me, as a temp you get treated like sh*t.
I remember working for a recruitment company in Leeds and when somebody got a big sale they had to ring a bell and put an irish hat on. Everyone would cheer. Seriously, why would you ever be happy that that had happened to you?!
I've also been a student for many years, and as such I have worked as a bar maid for over 7 years, although I'm happy to say not any more!
Anyway, I once went on a bar training course where we learnt about 'The Theatre of Dispense'. It was a theatre because you had to remember that the customer was watching you pouring the pint and you were performing!
We had to remember the three 'c's. A Clean glass, a Cold glass and a something else glass which thank god my brain has decided to forget.
Another one. I worked at a council office in a very nice building by London Bridge. We were busy stuffing envelopes because temps had been called in to replace the broken letter stuffing machine.
Our 'boss' came over. We HAD to take our 15 minute break at that moment. It was (shock horror) 10.30 am! Any later then the minutes would be taken out of our break. It was the rules and regulations in the council office.
I ask you; as a lowly envelope stuffer, would it really have mattered if I had taken my 15 minute break 5 minutes late? Oh sorry, I forgot, it would have done. All those important calls would have gone unanswered.
I work for a company that has regular "Team Building" social evenings, which I never attend. I have been called miserable, unsociable and lacking in "Team Spirit". My retort is always the same - I have to spend five days a week with these people, 9.00am - 5.30pm. Why should I spend my meagre free time with them, when I don't even like the majority of them. I choose my friends wisely.
Heard this one the other day about someone carrying out door-to-door sales who gave prospective cutomers the prepared script and said, "I'm supposed to follow this script, but you're obviously an intelligent person, so why don't you read through it and then we can have a chat about things if you're still interested?" He admitted as much at a sales meeting one day. Was he praised for initiative? Did they take into account his excellent sales record? Nope. He found himself surrounded by people pointing their fingers at him while yelling, "Company way! Company way!"
And, yes, it was encyclopaedias.
Look at the entry for september 2nd... :-o
http://www.andyleslie.com/_Wordpress/
We've had a guy at work off for a couple of weeks so a card and a collection went round the office. We called HR to get his address. No can do, apparently - "It's the data preotection act, you see, we simply can't". Then someone pointed out that it was printed on the front of his payslip, which the selfsame HR department can't be arsed to personally and so dump in the internal mail en bloc to each seperate department. job done.
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